


Starting Over

by somethin_random (wordsaremyfaith)



Category: The OC
Genre: Angst, Ficlet, Gen, M/M, first person POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-04-10
Updated: 2004-04-10
Packaged: 2018-04-15 12:59:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4607661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsaremyfaith/pseuds/somethin_random
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Written for <span class="ljuser i-ljuser i-ljuser-type-C"></span><a class="i-ljuser-profile" href="http://15minuteficlets.livejournal.com/profile"><img class="i-ljuser-userhead"/></a><a class="i-ljuser-username" href="http://15minuteficlets.livejournal.com/"><b>15minuteficlets</b></a><a id="cutid1" name="cutid1"></a>' Word 1 (Happy).</p></blockquote>





	Starting Over

_Happy._

What does it really mean?

I stare up at my ceiling, trying not to think about him.

Trying not to think about all of the ways he lied.

Why didn’t he ever tell me?

I’m so sick of thinking, of trying not to think, when all I’ve done for the past six months is second-guess myself. _Should I be with him? Does he really want me? Do I really want him? Is he going to hurt me? Can I tell anyone about this? Am I ready to be seen in public with him?_

Well, I guess he really didn’t give me a choice about that last one.

It’s just that I thought I knew him. Six months should be enough time to know a person, right?

And then he goes and tells me this.

This incredibly big thing that I can’t possibly believe. Not after he told me in front of the whole school that he would never hurt me, that he loved me. Not after he practically begged me not to be scared.

But how can I not believe it? I’ve seen them together. I’ve seen his face light up whenever Ryan is around. I’ve seen the hugs, the friendly camaraderie… or what I thought was just friendly camaraderie.

I thought I loved him.

I still do.

How can he do this? He even named his boat after me, something I had to weasel out of him when he was drunk. I know he loves me.

I know there’s nothing I can do that will make that be the truth. Maybe a year ago, if I had known he existed then. Not anymore.

I talked to everyone. I even talked to Ryan.

Marissa said I just needed to give it time. He’ll realize what he gave up and regret it, and then he’ll be begging me for a second chance.

Ryan said he was sorry.

Anna said she knew how I felt.

They all lied. He’s never going to come back. I’ve seen it in his eyes. And Ryan’s not sorry. Why should he be? He got the guy, in the end. Not me. Never me. No one knows how I feel, after learning to accept myself and the fact that I wanted to be with him, after becoming comfortable showing up places with him, after figuring out that maybe, just maybe, I might love him, he tells me this. That he’s in love with Ryan. That he always has been. That he’s sorry.

 _No you’re not,_ I want to shout. But I don’t. That would be too insightful for me, wouldn’t it? After all, I’m Summer. The ditz. The Anti-Ryan. The one even _Seth Cohen_ didn’t want, in the end.

I roll over and stare into the pillow. In a year and a half, I’ll be out of here.

Maybe I’ll find the place where I can start over.

Where I can be smart, and accepted.

Where I can be loved.

Where no one knows that the boy I loved wasn’t who he was supposed to be.

If I’m extremely lucky, maybe I’ll even find a place where I can be happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://15minuteficlets.livejournal.com/profile)[**15minuteficlets**](http://15minuteficlets.livejournal.com/)' Word 1 (Happy).


End file.
